Edinburgh is so much more than bagpipes, haggis, and a ho-hum castle—there’s also a royal yacht!
Yep, tied up on a waterfront in the heart of Scotland lies a floating relic of regal splendor, the HMY Britannia. This isn't just any old boat. It's the Rolls Royce of the seas. You know, if Rolls Royces could float. And were a bit bigger. And required a crew. But anyway, you get the gist.
I leaned on Rick to take the tram down to Leith, just a stone's throw from the center of Edinburgh, and wander around the Britannia. It was like stepping into a parallel universe where everything is tidy and polished. The yacht, now retired and probably reminiscing about its glory days, has been voted the Best Visitor Attraction in Scotland for 13 years running. Really? I mean, there’s a LOT to do in Scotland. I think maybe it’s more a result of marketing than pure democracy. But it is undeniably cool.
The Royal Yacht sits alongside the Ocean Terminal. And when you get there, you realize that “Ocean Terminal” is Scottish for “Just Another Giant Mall.” Because nothing says “royal elegance” like a quick bite at a fast-casual place like Nando’s or Pizza Express right before boarding a yacht. Although the mall does have a huge, 11-foot Lego model of the Britannia. And I do love me some giant Lego models.
Rick got an audio guide. I hate them. They slow you down and I can read the information signage faster than they can. Ah, but there is no information signage on the Royal Yacht. So Rick would listen to the audio guide and then tell me everything he’d just heard. Loudly. Because he was wearing an audio guide.
Walking around the yacht is like walking around a floating Buckingham Palace,* but with more life jackets. The tour starts at the top on the bridge, the nerve center of the ship. It's where the Captain would steer this behemoth through the seas, avoiding icebergs, mermaids, and the occasional sea monster.
Then you meander through the Royal apartments. It's all very posh and polished. The queen's bedroom is on display—the only bedroom of a living recently deceased monarch you can see without
being tackled by the Royal Close Protection** and dragged off in chains.*** It's all surprisingly modest, if you consider gold-trimmed everything modest. I asked about visiting the queen’s
toilet,† but was denied. Apparently, the queen herself decided which areas of the yacht to keep private.
There’s even a honeymoon suite. The only room with a double bed—scandalous! It's where royal lovebirds like Princess Margaret and Anthony Armstrong-Jones honeymooned, as did Charles and Diana.††
And then there’s the Sun Room. A boaty version of a conservatory. It's like someone said, “Let's have a room with a view, but make sure it's constantly rocking so we can get seasick.” This was the queen's favorite spot, probably because it was the only place she could get a tan. The room was decked out with all the essentials for royal relaxation—board games like Monopoly, Clue, and Operation.††† There was a “hi-fi” and a “turntable” and some “records” for what I imagine were small royal sock hops.
More importantly, the Sun Room was where you could find the liquor cabinet. Even the queen needs a Dubonnet on occasion. It's all very posh and sunlit, a perfect spot for pondering the affairs of state or just wondering if it's too early for a G&T.
Moving on, the state dining room is where the real magic happened. It's hosted a who's who of history—Churchill, Mandela, several U.S. Presidents, including Eisenhower, Ford, Reagan and Clinton (but not, thankfully, Traitor Tot). They've all broken bread here, probably while discussing how to solve world peace or where to find the best Scotch.
It's not all glitz and glamour, though. Upstairs might be all Downton Abbey, but downstairs is Das Boot. I did notice a lot of bars, though, which probably made life below decks more bearable. Seriously. I lost count how many full-on bars there were. The officers had a slightly more swank version, but even the junior ratings, crammed into their bunk beds and dreaming of what life would be like with an actual window, had their own bar in the very next room.
The engine room is a happy, shiny testament to engineering. It's kept so spotless and pristine that when General Norman Schwarzkopf visited, he thought it was a museum piece. I mean, who doesn't clean their engine room till it sparkles? That's just basic yacht etiquette.
Unfortunately, after centuries of service, John Major’s Conservative government decided that maintaining this floating piece of history was a bit too pricey. So they voted to decommission it in 1997, because, apparently, even royals have to budget sometimes.
But fear not, for it lives on as a storied tourist attraction, a snapshot of a bygone era of royal luxury and, let's be honest, a little bit of absurdity.
FUN FACTS FOR YOUR NEXT TRIVIA QUIZ
1. The Britannia was the last ship in the Royal Navy where sailors slept in hammocks. “If this hammock’s rockin’….”
2. The captain of the Britannia was always an admiral.º Until 1995, when they apparently ran out of admirals, so they had to use a commodore.
3. Orders were only given by hand signals to keep things quiet for the royals. Kind of like maritime charades.
4. The queen traveled with either her Rolls-Royce Phantom V or her Land Rover. To get the Rolls onboard, though, they’d have to remove bumpers. Tetris!
5. Some of the furniture was designed by Prince Albert in 1856. He really didn’t have a lot to fill his time.
6. The queen's bed linen was originally used by Queen Victoria and is monogrammed “HM The Queen.” They really never threw anything away.
7. There is no name on the yacht to keep things mysterious. And maybe to protect it against pirates.
8. The queen’s protective team consisted of 26 Marines—each of whom had to play a different instrument.
9. The Britannia was the only Navy ship with its own 24-hour laundry.
10. During 44 years of service, the 412-foot Britannia—crewed by 220 yachtsmen, 21 officers, and 26 Royal Marines—sailed more than a million miles, calling at more than 600 ports in 135 countries.
* I assume, I've never been in Buckingham Palace. Well, more technically, I've never been allowed in Buckingham Palace.
** Trust me. I looked it up. I deliver only the highest quality, fact-checked information to our readers.
*** I understand it's similar to the result of climbing over a short, easily scaled fence around Buckingham Palace. Though I have no personal experience with that.
† The Royal Loo. Or the Royal Wee?
†† Now that I think back on it, though, didn’t both of those marriages end in divorce? Maybe the yacht wasn’t the best idea for a honeymoon.
††† See? The royal family is just like us! Except, you know, inconceivably wealthy and the masters of a worldwide empire voluntary commonwealth.
º Generally a rear admiral. Let the jokes begin!
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